Christian Living , , , , , , , , , , , ,

12 Rules to Live By

Dayo Benson

Image result for rules

There are a million rules or guidelines that govern our lives each day. The government gives us some. Employers give us more. Churches have their rules, too. But have you ever stopped to think about what your own personal code of conduct is? How you will choose to act in certain situations. What kind of person do you want to be in this life?

Let me share some of the things I strive to live by.

1. Make the most of the present moment

I’m a dreamer. I have a very vivid imagination. I’m exactly who they’re talking about when they say introverts have such a rich inner life that they often prefer their own thoughts over external interaction.

This ties in with the fact that I’m often so future-focused. I love planning, goal-setting, ruminating on my three-year plan, five-year plan, ten-year plan (yes, I have those) and basically just plotting world domination.

But it’s good to be still and know that God is looking down, watching me, orchestrating my life. It’s good, critical even, to look at the beauty around me, get present with my children who are growing so fast it makes me dizzy, and appreciate everything I’m blessed with in this present moment.

2. Focus on imagining a bright future rather than replaying memories of the past

The past is not a good place to live. So many of us can’t move forward because we’re bound by memories of the past. Learn from the past and move on from it. Nobody can move forward looking in the rearview mirror. On the flip side, if you think about the past because it’s better than the present ask God for a new vision for your future.

Image result for woman praying3. Be grateful for even the ‘little’ things

What I consider little things: food, water, electricity, etc. are NOT little things. So many people in this world don’t have these things.

4. Know your purpose and get after it

Purpose gives life meaning. Impacting other people’s lives has to be one of the greatest blessings there is. And when your desire is to leave this place better, even if in some small way, than how you met it, you won’t have time for drama and negativity. Which leads me nicely to the next point.

5. Tune out negativity
There is enough negativity in the world. I want to be someone who stands out when God looks down. Someone He notices because I’m being Godly, shining His light and making the world a better place with my attitude.

6. Discuss ideas not people

When you discuss people it’s very rarely positive. Ideas usually center around something that doesn’t yet exist in the world, at least not in the way that you are envisioning it. Ideas/creativity are part of what make us resemble God’s image.

7. Send the naysayers love and keep moving

Jesus said love your enemies. Bless those who curse you. Enough said. Hate them and you become like them.

Image result for journey8. Understand that life is a journey

Everything isn’t going to happen all at once. It’s about taking another step each day and letting God work everything out according to His plan. Humans haven’t yet figured out how to teleport. We still have to travel through time and space. It’s the same with God’s plan. There’s no teleporting to the end of the road. You must walk each step.

9. Refuse to make decisions based on emotion

Take time out. Read a book. Talk it over with a trusted person. Go for a walk. And only when you have gained control of your emotions should you decide. This is huge.

10. Know that consistency is usually more important than speed

I used to feel like I’ve wasted a day if I haven’t added 10,000 words to my current work in progress. Then I decided I was going to ratchet that up to 13,000 words a day. And…life sucked. I was mentally drained. Exhausted. Tired. Then God led me to this concept of how consistency is better than speed.

Writing just a manageable number of words a day is better than overstretching myself to write an insane (for me–some other authors manage it) number of words and then burning out and having to keep stopping and starting. I can think of so many areas of life in which this one applies, but I’ll leave it there.

Image result for forgive11. Forgive others

Forgiving that person who hurt you isn’t saying that what they did is okay. It’s saying that you no longer give them and what they did the power to hurt you or the right to dominate your thoughts. Let it go.

12. Forgive yourself

Sometimes this is harder than forgiving someone else. Release your self-judgement and self-criticism. Stop remembering what God has forgotten.

***

Which ‘rule’ most resonates with you? What would you add?

Christian Living , , , , , , ,

Stop Auditioning

Dayo Benson

In life there are times when we have to submit ourselves to be judged by others. This is just the way the world works. If you want a job you have to report for an interview where you will be questioned and your answers evaluated.

If you want an educational qualification you have to submit yourself to be tested and assessed.

If you’re an athlete you have to compete against other people and there can be only one winner.

If you’re an actress, singer, or anything similar, you have to audition and you may or may not be rejected.

But we’re not supposed to have what I call an ‘auditioning mindset’ in day to day life. We’re not supposed to measure our lives by what other people think of us and how they score us.

You’ll never be able to impress everybody anyway. It doesn’t matter how amazing, talented, beautiful, or Godly you are, there’ll still be someone out there who isn’t impressed and for whom you don’t make the cut.

But that’s all good because life isn’t supposed to be an audition.

Only God’s criteria matters.

You have nothing to prove!!

So many of us compare ourselves to other people and feel like we don’t measure up and that we have to do something to prove our value, to show that we are worthy, that we are deserving.

We don’t.

So many of us are waiting to be ‘enough’. Good enough. Smart enough. Talented enough. Pretty enough. Slim enough. And we think that when we are ‘enough’ then we will be happy, or we’ll finally do what we know we were called to do.

But guess what?? You are already enough!

Image result for auditionAn auditioning mindset is dangerous because:

  1. It means you base your decisions on what other people will say rather than God’s will.
  2. It has you looking for validation externally, and other people’s validation is fleeting and fickle, easily withdrawn.
  3. It puts control for your life in other people’s hands rather than God’s.

At the root of this mindset is a fear of judgment and a fear of rejection.

But isn’t it better to be rejected for who you are than loved for who you are not?

We need to:

  1. Accept ourselves for who God made us to be.
  2. Define success in each sphere of life for ourselves rather than accepting other people’s definitions.
  3. Be secure enough to let people have their opinions about us without trying to prove why they should think we are ‘nice’, well-meaning and spiritual.

God doesn’t judge us based on the world’s criteria. A good or ‘successful’ life, by His standards, will look different for each of us.

With God, there is no audition.

He loves you. He calls whoever He wants to call and it often isn’t who people expect.

And when God has called you (He has called us all in one way or another) there is absolutely no need to wonder whether you are worthy. None of us is any more worthy than anybody else and no less worthy than anybody else. God just loves us and that’s that.

Do we need to improve in some areas? We’re human, so yes. But that doesn’t detract from our worthiness or ‘enoughness’.

It’s only normal to feel hurt when someone looks at you and doesn’t see your worth. When someone demands that you audition for them and please them and gets mad when you decide to start being your authentic self and living according to God’s will. Yeah, it sucks, but give God’s opinion of you more weight than anybody else’s.

Live for Him and not for the approval of others.

Let go of that need to please. Get sober from the addiction to human praise.

Stop auditioning.

***

In what ways have you been auditioning?

How has it affected you?

Christian Living

Take Control of Your Life

Dayo Benson

Hey guys,

This morning I was thinking about what things I have learned that I wish I’d learned sooner, and one of them is definitely to wake up and take control of my life.

I was your typical passive chick abdicating responsibility for my life to others. And I actually thought that was the right thing to do.

Question: As Christians, why do we think it’s good, Godly even, to let other people run our lives? Why is that projected as noble? Especially for females???

This is huge, guys, but I won’t get into it here. I’ve written a whole book series on the topic called Saints and Sinners (check it out here).

Something you guys may not know about me:

I could be an unfulfilled scientist in a lab right now and none of my books would exist!!!

Image result for scientistHere’s a story that anyone with traditional parents from another culture can relate to. My parents (God bless ’em) wanted me to be a scientist.

There was one problem: I hated science.

Actually, there were two problems. The second was: I got A’s in my GCSE science. I wished I’d failed. Because now, I’d proved to my parents that I could do it. So I had to do it. I chose chemistry and biology for my A levels and I went on to study molecular biology with genetics at university (it was as dismal as it sounds).

The funny thing is, the noble feeling we get from letting others make important decisions for us can only satisfy us temporarily. That ‘I’m so noble and obedient’ feeling isn’t enough to stuff down the truth that we know in our hearts. It isn’t enough to drown out God’s still small voice that is calling to us.

By age 19, I was pretty seriously depressed. Yes, not taking control of your life will eventually lead to depression or some sense that something is desperately wrong. Why? Because:

Other people rarely know why God created you. They don’t know what God wants to do with and through you!!!

Things got so bad for me internally that I really didn’t understand why I was alive. I’m shocked when I think about it now, but I would say over and over to myself ‘I wish I’d never been born’. Now, I love life so much and ‘being alive’ is often the first thing I write on my daily morning gratitude list. But is that any wonder, now that I know my purpose in life and have started taking responsibility?

Two things happened back then, when I was 19, that changed everything.

1. I got radically saved

I was one of those people who goes to church because I was expected to. But once I got to know God personally, for myself, He totally blew my mind and I couldn’t believe I’d ever not wanted Him.

2. I decided to start using my free time productively.

Image result for booksI figured that just because I spent most of my days in a classroom listening to lectures about DNA, RNA and metabolic pathways, that didn’t mean I couldn’t pursue things I enjoy in my own time.

If I’d had my way I would have studied English at university, mainly because I’ve always loved books. So I started writing my own book. This is a direct result of my getting saved, guys. Before becoming a Christian I’d tried many times to write, but couldn’t. I think I always knew on a subconscious level that I was a writer (the still small voice was speaking to me). But now I had a story to tell and a new Person in my life inspiring me (God, in case you missed the capital P in ‘person).

I have to vs. I want to vs. I get to

I can honestly say that these two decisions changed the trajectory of my life. They made me I stopped abdicating responsibility for my life and what I do to other people.

We’re not supposed to go through life constantly feeling out of control, helpless, powerless, trapped, depressed, or stressed out.

We are not supposed to be ruled by obligations, things we don’t really want to do but feel like we have to. Of course, some obligations are normal. They’re called responsibilities (and responsibilities can be fun guys. I have responsibilities to uphold regarding my family and I love that. Not all responsibilities are a drag).

But the whole of life is not supposed to be governed by ‘I have to.’ There should also be plenty of ‘I want to’ and ‘I get to’.

Unfortunately, we embrace and cater to the ‘I have to’s’ and tell ourselves that we can’t have the ‘I want to’s’.

Activity: List all your ‘I have to’s’ and next to each one write how often you engage in them. Which items on the list bring you stress or trapped feelings? Next, list all your ‘I want to’s’. Which of them has the most potential to change your life for the better? How often do you engage in them?

I think a question everyone ought to ask themselves from time to time (at least quarterly) is, “what am I doing and why am I doing it?”

Q) Are you in a 9 to 5 rather than taking the leap to start that business you’ve always wanted to start because society hails the stable 9 to 5 and it’s what everybody does?

Q) Are you in that particular job because it’s what your parents wanted you to do?

Q) Are you a nurse instead of a doctor because nice girls are nurses, not doctors?

You are the CEO of your life!!!

Yes, you. Can you tell I’m passionate about this? This passion comes from conversations I’ve had with people and emails I receive from people who feel stuck. God has given each of us a brain all to ourselves. And we’re supposed to use them to make decisions. You, as a Christian, desperately need to take control of your own life. Why? Because until you do so, other people will be in charge and God won’t be able to get a word in. He won’t be able to tell you what impact you’re supposed to have for Him. It isn’t Godly to abdicate responsibility to others, not even if they’re ‘Godly’ people.

Image result for babyGod says, “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations” (Jeremiah 1:5).

Those people who want to tell you what to do with your life might be great people, sweet people, lovely people. But they just don’t know why you’re here. God knows. He made plans for you before you were even born. He’s the one you need to fix your eyes on and seek guidance from.

Why do we take control of our lives? 

We take control back from other people so that we can put it in God’s hands.

Simple as that.

‘This is what the Lord says: Let my people go, so that they may worship me’

(Exodus 8:1).

We get free so that we can truly live lives of worship.

***

Do you agree with me? Is there anything I’ve said that you see differently? I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments below.

On Writing

Update on My 100-book Goal

Dayo Benson
When you smile because it’s Monday

So, I told you guys a few months ago about this pretty intense writing challenge I’m doing (read about it here), and I’d like to give you an update.

Date Started: Friday 18 January 2019

Date Ended (temporarily): Monday 5th August 2019

Number of books written: 22 (There’s a list near the end of this post)

What I was doing

I was writing (using dictation) for 3 hours a day each morning. My target was (and still is) to be awake by 4.15am. Sometimes I was up well before then. (My 2am days were awesome). But sometimes it could be as late as 6am.

I did not like my 6am days because it meant I wasn’t done with my writing by the time I woke my kids up at 7.30, which meant I had to finish after getting home from taking them to school, which was usually after 8.30. I very much despise writing after 9am.

Once school was out for the summer it actually made things easier as if I had a 6am day, I didn’t have to take a break to do the school run.

Things I didn’t anticipate

Image result for shocked emojiHow draining it would be

Even though it was only three hours I was getting ALOT done. I was averaging 10,000 words in 3 hours and finishing books in like ten days (sometimes more, sometimes less). I was practically giddy from that level of productivity but it was pretty hard to do anything else the rest of the day. Really hard. However, I did get better as time went on.

I needed more detailed book outlines 

They say there are two types of writer:

Plotters need to plan books out before they write.

Pantsers just start writing and see where their words take them.

I am 100% a plotter. I cannot write without an outline, without first knowing what the whole story will be about.

I didn’t think of the fact that if I’m taking only ten days to write a book I have only ten days to also plan and outline the next book so that I can immediately jump into writing it without any break in writing.

One of my book outlines was up to 45,000 words (82 pages) long. This was for a pretty long book of course. My outlines never used to be quite this long and detailed before I started this writing challenge, as I wrote whenever I liked and wasn’t consistent. But I found that in order to really be consistent and be able to keep writing without suffering writers’ block I needed to put more time and effort into planning.

I began to use most of the rest of my day, after writing, to plot new books. But I found that the more I demanded of myself, the more I had to do things that feed my creativity. Which leads me to the next thing I didn’t anticipate.

Ideas in = ideas out

I quickly realized that if I’m going to keep drawing from my creative well, I need to replenish it. I realized that I needed to read more, consume more ideas, and let them spark my creativity. I made reading and watching movies part of my ‘work day’. It was essential.

Something else that helped me massively was continually learning about storytelling/story structure and PRAYING specifically about my work. I don’t just want to bang out books. I want them to be amazing and life-changing.

Why I did it

Obviously, I did this challenge because I have this goal of having 100 books to my name by the time I’m 40 (19 January 2025!!!).

But that isn’t the real reason. The honest truth is that I have so many reasons, but I’ll just share two of them with you.

Image result for too many ideas1. I have so many book ideas

I literally have hundreds of book ideas in a spreadsheet on my laptop. I realized that I was never going to write them all at the pace I was writing at. The thought of reaching the end of my life and still having all these book ideas in me unwritten is pretty sad to me.

2. This is how I worship.

Image result for worshipIt’s my day to day purpose. It’s one of the reasons God put me here. I was created to do this so I ought to do it. Whenever I’ve not been focused on writing I’ve felt out of alignment with what God wants me to do and my purpose in life.

The 22 books I wrote between 18 January and 5 August are:

  1. Irredeemable (Saints and Sinners 4)
  2. Curveball (Saints and Sinners 5)
  3. Justice (Saints and Sinners 6)
  4. Untitled (Salem – The Lincolns 10)
  5. The Magician (Xy –  Lincolns 11)
  6. The Televangelist (Hades – The Lincolns 12)
  7. The Red Robe (Jared – The Lincolns 13)
  8. Crystal 10
  9. Crystal 11
  10. Crystal 12
  11. Crystal 13
  12. Crystal 14
  13. Crystal 15
  14. Crystal 16
  15. Crystal 17
  16. Crystal 18
  17. Crystal 19
  18. Crystal 20
  19. The Fall 1*
  20. The Fall 2
  21. The Fall 3
  22. The Fall 4

*The Fall series is about about the youngest Carter brother, Levi Carter. Hudson Carter’s story is told in my Paradise Lost series and Colby Carter’s in my Saints and Sinners series.

What I’m doing now

I haven’t hit book 100 yet. With the 22 I’ve written this year I’m on book 68, so 32 left to go. But I’ve decided to stop and plot out the remaining 32 books. I’ve given myself a target of taking 2 to 3 days per book plot. I want to finish plotting them all by the end of this year. Then I can get back to writing 10,000 words a day again until I’m done. If all goes to plan I could be done by the end of 2020. That thought makes me giddy 🙂

So, right now half my day is spent plotting and the other half is spent editing so I might be able to publish one or two books before the end of this year. I’m thinking the next Saints and Sinners book and the next Lincoln book (Salem’s) 🙂

So that’s where I’m at right now.

I’m interested: Do you have any goals you’re working on or that you’d like to work on? I love hearing about what other people are doing or want to do someday. I don’t think we talk about such things enough. Tell me about it in the comments below 🙂 😍 😘