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12 Rules to Live By

Dayo Benson

Image result for rules

There are a million rules or guidelines that govern our lives each day. The government gives us some. Employers give us more. Churches have their rules, too. But have you ever stopped to think about what your own personal code of conduct is? How you will choose to act in certain situations. What kind of person do you want to be in this life?

Let me share some of the things I strive to live by.

1. Make the most of the present moment

I’m a dreamer. I have a very vivid imagination. I’m exactly who they’re talking about when they say introverts have such a rich inner life that they often prefer their own thoughts over external interaction.

This ties in with the fact that I’m often so future-focused. I love planning, goal-setting, ruminating on my three-year plan, five-year plan, ten-year plan (yes, I have those) and basically just plotting world domination.

But it’s good to be still and know that God is looking down, watching me, orchestrating my life. It’s good, critical even, to look at the beauty around me, get present with my children who are growing so fast it makes me dizzy, and appreciate everything I’m blessed with in this present moment.

2. Focus on imagining a bright future rather than replaying memories of the past

The past is not a good place to live. So many of us can’t move forward because we’re bound by memories of the past. Learn from the past and move on from it. Nobody can move forward looking in the rearview mirror. On the flip side, if you think about the past because it’s better than the present ask God for a new vision for your future.

Image result for woman praying3. Be grateful for even the ‘little’ things

What I consider little things: food, water, electricity, etc. are NOT little things. So many people in this world don’t have these things.

4. Know your purpose and get after it

Purpose gives life meaning. Impacting other people’s lives has to be one of the greatest blessings there is. And when your desire is to leave this place better, even if in some small way, than how you met it, you won’t have time for drama and negativity. Which leads me nicely to the next point.

5. Tune out negativity
There is enough negativity in the world. I want to be someone who stands out when God looks down. Someone He notices because I’m being Godly, shining His light and making the world a better place with my attitude.

6. Discuss ideas not people

When you discuss people it’s very rarely positive. Ideas usually center around something that doesn’t yet exist in the world, at least not in the way that you are envisioning it. Ideas/creativity are part of what make us resemble God’s image.

7. Send the naysayers love and keep moving

Jesus said love your enemies. Bless those who curse you. Enough said. Hate them and you become like them.

Image result for journey8. Understand that life is a journey

Everything isn’t going to happen all at once. It’s about taking another step each day and letting God work everything out according to His plan. Humans haven’t yet figured out how to teleport. We still have to travel through time and space. It’s the same with God’s plan. There’s no teleporting to the end of the road. You must walk each step.

9. Refuse to make decisions based on emotion

Take time out. Read a book. Talk it over with a trusted person. Go for a walk. And only when you have gained control of your emotions should you decide. This is huge.

10. Know that consistency is usually more important than speed

I used to feel like I’ve wasted a day if I haven’t added 10,000 words to my current work in progress. Then I decided I was going to ratchet that up to 13,000 words a day. And…life sucked. I was mentally drained. Exhausted. Tired. Then God led me to this concept of how consistency is better than speed.

Writing just a manageable number of words a day is better than overstretching myself to write an insane (for me–some other authors manage it) number of words and then burning out and having to keep stopping and starting. I can think of so many areas of life in which this one applies, but I’ll leave it there.

Image result for forgive11. Forgive others

Forgiving that person who hurt you isn’t saying that what they did is okay. It’s saying that you no longer give them and what they did the power to hurt you or the right to dominate your thoughts. Let it go.

12. Forgive yourself

Sometimes this is harder than forgiving someone else. Release your self-judgement and self-criticism. Stop remembering what God has forgotten.

***

Which ‘rule’ most resonates with you? What would you add?

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Stop Auditioning

Dayo Benson

In life there are times when we have to submit ourselves to be judged by others. This is just the way the world works. If you want a job you have to report for an interview where you will be questioned and your answers evaluated.

If you want an educational qualification you have to submit yourself to be tested and assessed.

If you’re an athlete you have to compete against other people and there can be only one winner.

If you’re an actress, singer, or anything similar, you have to audition and you may or may not be rejected.

But we’re not supposed to have what I call an ‘auditioning mindset’ in day to day life. We’re not supposed to measure our lives by what other people think of us and how they score us.

You’ll never be able to impress everybody anyway. It doesn’t matter how amazing, talented, beautiful, or Godly you are, there’ll still be someone out there who isn’t impressed and for whom you don’t make the cut.

But that’s all good because life isn’t supposed to be an audition.

Only God’s criteria matters.

You have nothing to prove!!

So many of us compare ourselves to other people and feel like we don’t measure up and that we have to do something to prove our value, to show that we are worthy, that we are deserving.

We don’t.

So many of us are waiting to be ‘enough’. Good enough. Smart enough. Talented enough. Pretty enough. Slim enough. And we think that when we are ‘enough’ then we will be happy, or we’ll finally do what we know we were called to do.

But guess what?? You are already enough!

Image result for auditionAn auditioning mindset is dangerous because:

  1. It means you base your decisions on what other people will say rather than God’s will.
  2. It has you looking for validation externally, and other people’s validation is fleeting and fickle, easily withdrawn.
  3. It puts control for your life in other people’s hands rather than God’s.

At the root of this mindset is a fear of judgment and a fear of rejection.

But isn’t it better to be rejected for who you are than loved for who you are not?

We need to:

  1. Accept ourselves for who God made us to be.
  2. Define success in each sphere of life for ourselves rather than accepting other people’s definitions.
  3. Be secure enough to let people have their opinions about us without trying to prove why they should think we are ‘nice’, well-meaning and spiritual.

God doesn’t judge us based on the world’s criteria. A good or ‘successful’ life, by His standards, will look different for each of us.

With God, there is no audition.

He loves you. He calls whoever He wants to call and it often isn’t who people expect.

And when God has called you (He has called us all in one way or another) there is absolutely no need to wonder whether you are worthy. None of us is any more worthy than anybody else and no less worthy than anybody else. God just loves us and that’s that.

Do we need to improve in some areas? We’re human, so yes. But that doesn’t detract from our worthiness or ‘enoughness’.

It’s only normal to feel hurt when someone looks at you and doesn’t see your worth. When someone demands that you audition for them and please them and gets mad when you decide to start being your authentic self and living according to God’s will. Yeah, it sucks, but give God’s opinion of you more weight than anybody else’s.

Live for Him and not for the approval of others.

Let go of that need to please. Get sober from the addiction to human praise.

Stop auditioning.

***

In what ways have you been auditioning?

How has it affected you?

Christian Living

Take Control of Your Life

Dayo Benson

Hey guys,

This morning I was thinking about what things I have learned that I wish I’d learned sooner, and one of them is definitely to wake up and take control of my life.

I was your typical passive chick abdicating responsibility for my life to others. And I actually thought that was the right thing to do.

Question: As Christians, why do we think it’s good, Godly even, to let other people run our lives? Why is that projected as noble? Especially for females???

This is huge, guys, but I won’t get into it here. I’ve written a whole book series on the topic called Saints and Sinners (check it out here).

Something you guys may not know about me:

I could be an unfulfilled scientist in a lab right now and none of my books would exist!!!

Image result for scientistHere’s a story that anyone with traditional parents from another culture can relate to. My parents (God bless ’em) wanted me to be a scientist.

There was one problem: I hated science.

Actually, there were two problems. The second was: I got A’s in my GCSE science. I wished I’d failed. Because now, I’d proved to my parents that I could do it. So I had to do it. I chose chemistry and biology for my A levels and I went on to study molecular biology with genetics at university (it was as dismal as it sounds).

The funny thing is, the noble feeling we get from letting others make important decisions for us can only satisfy us temporarily. That ‘I’m so noble and obedient’ feeling isn’t enough to stuff down the truth that we know in our hearts. It isn’t enough to drown out God’s still small voice that is calling to us.

By age 19, I was pretty seriously depressed. Yes, not taking control of your life will eventually lead to depression or some sense that something is desperately wrong. Why? Because:

Other people rarely know why God created you. They don’t know what God wants to do with and through you!!!

Things got so bad for me internally that I really didn’t understand why I was alive. I’m shocked when I think about it now, but I would say over and over to myself ‘I wish I’d never been born’. Now, I love life so much and ‘being alive’ is often the first thing I write on my daily morning gratitude list. But is that any wonder, now that I know my purpose in life and have started taking responsibility?

Two things happened back then, when I was 19, that changed everything.

1. I got radically saved

I was one of those people who goes to church because I was expected to. But once I got to know God personally, for myself, He totally blew my mind and I couldn’t believe I’d ever not wanted Him.

2. I decided to start using my free time productively.

Image result for booksI figured that just because I spent most of my days in a classroom listening to lectures about DNA, RNA and metabolic pathways, that didn’t mean I couldn’t pursue things I enjoy in my own time.

If I’d had my way I would have studied English at university, mainly because I’ve always loved books. So I started writing my own book. This is a direct result of my getting saved, guys. Before becoming a Christian I’d tried many times to write, but couldn’t. I think I always knew on a subconscious level that I was a writer (the still small voice was speaking to me). But now I had a story to tell and a new Person in my life inspiring me (God, in case you missed the capital P in ‘person).

I have to vs. I want to vs. I get to

I can honestly say that these two decisions changed the trajectory of my life. They made me I stopped abdicating responsibility for my life and what I do to other people.

We’re not supposed to go through life constantly feeling out of control, helpless, powerless, trapped, depressed, or stressed out.

We are not supposed to be ruled by obligations, things we don’t really want to do but feel like we have to. Of course, some obligations are normal. They’re called responsibilities (and responsibilities can be fun guys. I have responsibilities to uphold regarding my family and I love that. Not all responsibilities are a drag).

But the whole of life is not supposed to be governed by ‘I have to.’ There should also be plenty of ‘I want to’ and ‘I get to’.

Unfortunately, we embrace and cater to the ‘I have to’s’ and tell ourselves that we can’t have the ‘I want to’s’.

Activity: List all your ‘I have to’s’ and next to each one write how often you engage in them. Which items on the list bring you stress or trapped feelings? Next, list all your ‘I want to’s’. Which of them has the most potential to change your life for the better? How often do you engage in them?

I think a question everyone ought to ask themselves from time to time (at least quarterly) is, “what am I doing and why am I doing it?”

Q) Are you in a 9 to 5 rather than taking the leap to start that business you’ve always wanted to start because society hails the stable 9 to 5 and it’s what everybody does?

Q) Are you in that particular job because it’s what your parents wanted you to do?

Q) Are you a nurse instead of a doctor because nice girls are nurses, not doctors?

You are the CEO of your life!!!

Yes, you. Can you tell I’m passionate about this? This passion comes from conversations I’ve had with people and emails I receive from people who feel stuck. God has given each of us a brain all to ourselves. And we’re supposed to use them to make decisions. You, as a Christian, desperately need to take control of your own life. Why? Because until you do so, other people will be in charge and God won’t be able to get a word in. He won’t be able to tell you what impact you’re supposed to have for Him. It isn’t Godly to abdicate responsibility to others, not even if they’re ‘Godly’ people.

Image result for babyGod says, “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations” (Jeremiah 1:5).

Those people who want to tell you what to do with your life might be great people, sweet people, lovely people. But they just don’t know why you’re here. God knows. He made plans for you before you were even born. He’s the one you need to fix your eyes on and seek guidance from.

Why do we take control of our lives? 

We take control back from other people so that we can put it in God’s hands.

Simple as that.

‘This is what the Lord says: Let my people go, so that they may worship me’

(Exodus 8:1).

We get free so that we can truly live lives of worship.

***

Do you agree with me? Is there anything I’ve said that you see differently? I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments below.

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The Crystal Series: Writing about Jesus, God and Angels

Dayo Benson

Jesus

I’ve just hit publish on Legacy (Crystal 9), which is very exciting. It’ll be out by tomorrow. I’m feeling particularly happy and grateful 🙂 You guys have been so amazing. I really didn’t expect the support that the Crystal series has received. This is my final post for the Legacy launch, and what better way to finish than with a discussion about our great and awesome God?

When I first started the Crystal series, I didn’t know that Jesus, God and angels were going to be in it. Neither did I know that God was going to work in me personally in so many awesome ways. I’d like to take you behind the scenes, so step into my office for a moment and let’s talk. Okay, so I don’t actually have an office as of the time I’m writing this. I write in my living room. My husband kindly bought a desk and chair and set it in the second half of the room (it’s a pretty big living room). Please ignore all the toys on the floor, and sorry about how hot the room is. My mum says I roast myself. My husband says I barbecue myself. I just like to be nice and warm. (I don’t know why the saying goes ‘the best thing since sliced bread’. It should be ‘the best thing since central heating’ as heating is my favourite invention; apart from laptops, internet and Indie publishing—but I digress).

So, take a seat in my chair. Don’t worry I’ll just sit on my daughter’s toy car 🙂 Cup of tea? Coffee? Comfortable? Okay, so…

Jesus in Powerful Enemies

I was actually a little reluctant to have Jesus as an on-screen character in Powerful Enemies. I felt kind’a like it might be wrong of me to put Him in a book alongside fictional characters. Another issue I had was ‘what if I don’t do Him justice?’ What if I write Him into a scene but it doesn’t fill readers with any awe? I didn’t want to just toss Him in there just to have Him in the mix, I wanted to get a reaction. I wanted my Jesus scene to be like an artist’s impression, with me as the artist giving you my take on Him. I wanted my interpretation of Him to fill people with awe, illustrate His love and goodness and majesty, and make people love Him more. Obviously, I got over these issues and just went for it. Believe me, my heart was in my mouth as I wrote that scene. The reason I thought it was necessary was, the book is called Powerful Enemies, and every single one of us has powerful enemies (the devil and all his agents) but we have no reason to be afraid because we have a Powerful Friend. Powerful Enemies could have been called Powerful Friend to be honest, but that doesn’t sound as dramatic, ha ha.

Jesus is an expression of God’s love (God so loved the world that He gave us Jesus). So, I wanted the whole scene to illustrate Jesus’ love. That’s why I had Him appear to Luke, who is pretty much the most evil person in the book. Yet, he is the one Jesus appears to. Not Crystal, not Pastor Dan, not any of the Christians. It’s easy to love your friends, but Jesus said ‘love your enemies’ so I wanted to show Him loving an enemy. I wanted to show Him seeking a lost soul. By the way, we were all His enemies when He died for us. And He knew that despite Him dying for us, many of us would still reject Him and never become His friends. But He died in our place anyway. Isn’t He awesome?

God in Legacy

In Legacy, God the Father is an on-screen character. That was particularly awesome to write. It was so different to writing about Jesus, because I wrote about Jesus from Luke’s POV. Not from Jesus’ own POV. In Legacy I write from God’s own POV. I had to resist the urge to use ‘thou’ and ‘thy’. It was so cool. When my friend read it, she texted me to say how moved she was at reading that scene. She’s one of my closest friends so I take her opinion seriously and I know she would never just try to flatter me. So mission accomplished. At least I know it had the desired impact on one person :-). I used Isaiah 6 as my guide for that scene. Jesus and the Holy Spirit are also present. I was also careful about using ‘I’ preferring ‘we’ and ‘us’ because that was how God spoke in the Creation account and at the Tower of Babel, although there are many other instances in the Bible where He uses ‘I.’

Angel’s POV in Legacy

I was a little worried about writing about angels in Powerful Enemies, but not as worried as I was about writing about Jesus. By Legacy I was totally cool with it. In Legacy, I write from an Angel’s POV, which was a little more challenging than I thought it would be. I read about Daniel’s encounters with angels and tried to base things from that angle. It was fun.

***

Friends, if you want to go deeper with God I totally recommend writing to you as a means to that end 🙂 (not that there’s ever an end since God is infinite). Writing is cathartic, it encourages introspection, and it makes you dig deep into your own beliefs. I have learned so much through writing the Crystal series. God has taught me a lot about Himself, and He’s challenged me about being real. Not just going to church on Sundays and spouting clichés to my Christian friends. What’s the point of having the form but not the power, being religious but not righteous, or saying I’m a Christian but taking God for granted? I really don’t want to be like that.

I don’t like watching the news because the horrific things going on in this world are disturbing and so depressing. But the news is just a snippet of all the horrors and atrocities. However, God doesn’t get a snippet. He sees it all. Remember Genesis 6 where it says God looked down on the earth and was grieved? Well I would like Him to be happy when He sees me. I want to be like Noah. Faithful, living right, putting a smile on God’s face. Not being a hypocrite or just drifting through life or, God forbid, being part of the problem. Writing the Crystal series has made me think about my attitude to God. Do I love Him no matter what? Do I stand up for Him and refuse to compromise? Is my life a witness? Do I influence others for Him? It’s made me think about what God thinks of me. Is He happy when He looks at me? Am I living out His love?

The Crystal series also made me put the devil in his place, so to speak. I made his human followers very powerful in the Crystal series. Maybe more powerful than they are in real life. But that was because I wanted to show that it doesn’t matter how powerful the devil and his people are. Even the ‘smallest’ of Christians has authority over them, because God is greater.

So, thank you for your support with the Crystal series. I often pray for those who read it to experience God. I definitely experienced God while writing it. I’m much better at worshipping Him now than I used to be. And I’m more conscious of His presence around me (I don’t know if Christians really do have fire around them but I used fire as God’s stamp upon His people in the Crystal series–who knows, maybe we do). I hope you are too.

Whatever am I going to write next???

God bless 🙂

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Realistic Romance (Part 2)

Dayo Benson

man proposingPornography gives men an unrealistic view of women and objectifies us. Most women are not desperate for their man 24/7, don’t wait eagerly to rip of his clothes every evening when he gets home, and aren’t cool with swinging from the chandeliers every night (ha ha). Porn is simply fantasy. I guess that’s why it’s so addictive. And I’m in no way assuming that only men watch it. Seriously, both genders struggle.

On the flip side, romance books and movies often objectify men. Have you noticed that? The men that star in them are usually hot and hunky (it’s like a pre-requisite) and they are just there to adore the heroine, or love and support her while she takes out all her childhood issues on him and punishes him for every mistake that every other man before him made. Sometimes I think romance books are as unrealistic about men as porn is about women. I might have to write a book with a totally ‘unattractive’ (by Hollywood standards) love interest who doesn’t work out and might even be overweight. But I’ll might him sound really cool and romantic 🙂

As a writer, I constantly think about things like this. I tell myself, Dayo, you need to be proud of what you’ve written when you stand before God. You need to be able to present all your books to Him and tell Him you wrote them because you love Him and because you want other people to love Him more too. And God is the author of romance, right?

So…I strive for balance with the romance in my books, but I wonder if the romance I portray and the romance we all experience in real life is anywhere near as cool and pure and exhilarating as what God intended romance to be. So the dilemma is, should the romance I write be perfect and amazing and totally unrealistic since God probably intended romance to be better than what we experience anyway? Or should I write the reality of what most romance is like, easy and fun in the beginning, but in need of more effort to keep it going?

Just thinking out loud.

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Realistic Romance (Part 1)

Dayo Benson

pouting-man-with-bouquet--cd0a2So, one of my best friends is getting married this year, and I’m so happy for her. It’s got me thinking about love and romance, and about how mine and my husband’s journey into ‘love’ and all that started.

I am totally a romantic, but I try to be realistic about love and marriage in my books, because although most of my books have romance as a sub-theme or a main them, I feel that painting a roses and rainbows view of romantic relationships is just phony.

There are lots of people who want to read totally unrealistic romance where the guy is there solely for the purposes of adoring the heroine, but I don’t think my readers are like that. I think my readers want realism. A lot of my readers are young people so a part of me feels like I owe it to them to be real about what relationships are like and not fill their heads with things that are totally just not real.

I get emails from readers all the time saying ‘do guys like Jace really exist?’ and ‘is love this cool?’ Now, the thing is that I had a very romantic ‘courtship.’ I wasn’t all that romantic until I met my husband, but he kept giving me roses and drawing pictures of me and sending me poems (he’d never admit to it now though 🙂 ), so I soon warmed up to it all.

So, yes, falling in love is fun, and I do emphasize that in my books. But I also try to be realistic about how there’s a lot of ‘give and take’ a lot of ‘compromise’ and you don’t just drift from roses, to rings, to sunsets, to fireworks against a night sky for the rest of your relationship. There’s hard work to be done, because it’s too imperfect people coming together. Married people know what I mean.

I try to be realistic and make sure that each of my hero’s has a flaw and isn’t just perfect:
– Jace (Beauty for Ashes series) was pretty scheming, indecisive and moody (it didn’t stop a lot of my readers from falling head over heels for him though)
– Harvey (Drew Ashley series) had two kids and lots of baggage
– Caleb (Purity) was a total jerk to Harper most of the time (But he could cook. Any man that can cook is just awesome!)
– Juda (Crystal series) is a wizard. Talk about a flaw, lol. Don’t even ask me how I got there.

That’s just to name a few.

Having said that…I read my fair share of unrealistic romance. My favourite author always changes, but at the moment it’s Denise Hunter. OMD she is amazing. Barefoot Summer is such a sweet romance, and I’m currently reading Married ’til Monday by her.

So, what do you think of romance in books? Should it be realistic, or doesn’t it matter since it’s just fiction?

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Putting God First

Dayo Benson

number_1_godBecause writing is such a time consuming thing to do, I do it every spare moment I get. I have tight (self-inflicted) deadlines this year. I wasn’t going to share what I’m trying to do, but I’ve decided to just say. A book a month. That’s what 2015 is about. Whether I publish a book a month or not is another matter, but I just want to write a book a month.

Anyway, with that kind of schedule I have to push a lot of other things out of my life, but I have to be careful not to push out important things. Something that helped me is not writing on Sundays. I didn’t think this would help, but it was just an idea I had a few weeks ago. I decided that having a day to recuperate each week would be helpful. I figured I’d give it a try and see how it goes, so for a few weeks I’ve not written on Sunday. Instead I’ve spent the time that I would have spent writing praying.

You won’t believe how much this has helped me. I’m the kind of person that finds it hard to get back on track if I take a break, but I’ve been totally fine. In fact, after spending Sunday in prayer, including praying about my word count goals for the week, I’ve surpassed my goals.

I don’t want to be a spoiled Christian, so I didn’t go into it saying, ‘God if I give Sundays to You, then You have to do this or do that.’ I guess it would have been fine to do that, but I didn’t want to ask for anything in return. I don’t feel like the time I spend with Him on weekdays is really *quality* time, so I wanted to give Him Sundays out of love, out of wanting to be with Him because He’s awesome. So I went into it saying, “God I want to just spend quality time with You whether it helps or harms my word count.” I didn’t even want to care about my word count. But, guess what? I wrote a book in two weeks when I started setting Sunday aside for God.

I’m sure I will write on some Sundays in future, but I’m in the process of letting God change my plans if He wills. If I write a book a month and stray away from God because I’m not spending time with Him, that will be no good. I’d rather spend time with God and not meet my goal. As a Christian author it’s so important to me that I stay connected to God so that I please Him with my writing, and so that we’re just tight.

Life is so busy these days. When I was in my late teens and early twenties I was busy but my time was mine to spend as I pleased so I could plan my day without having anyone else to consider. I could pray, write, study, and sleep when I wanted. Now, time for morning prayers has to be balanced with the time it takes to get kids dressed and fed. Evening prayers have to be balanced with a husband that wants to tell me about his day. Writing used to come after God. Now it comes after God, the husband, and the kids.

But that’s the way it’s supposed to be.

Have you ever struggled with putting God first?

Christian Living

We’re God’s Children

Dayo Benson

The other day I got home from work, and the living room door was slightly open. I heard it open wider as I shut the front door, so I assumed it was my husband coming out of the living room. When I turned I found that it was actually Rhema. She started walking properly  a few weeks ago on our second wedding anniversary, but this was the first time she’d walked out of the living room. I can’t explain how I felt when I saw her. I was so happy and so proud of her just for walking out when she heard me come in. The smile on her face was priceless and I don’t think I’ll ever forget that moment. It made me wonder whether this is how God views us. Many times we’re hung up on our imperfections and inadequacies when God doesn’t see imperfection and inadequacy when He looks at us. He sees a child that He is proud of.

I have never for one moment told Rhema off if she was trying to walk and fell over. I have never for one moment been annoyed at her for falling over or getting something wrong. Instead I pick her up, or hold back to see whether she can remedy the situation herself. And I celebrate every milestone, every tooth, every baby step, every word (which at the moment are: no, uh oh, and wow. Occassionally she’ll say thankyou and daddy) and every new trick she discovers.

God is like a parent. He just wants the best for us. He’s not looking to condemn us but to help us and encourage us. If only we knew just how much He loves us, maybe we’d beat ourselves up less.

“How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are!…” 1 John 3:1a (NIV).

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A Rant About The Virtuous Woman

Dayo Benson

‘Who can find a virtuous woman? For her price is far above rubies’ (Proverbs 31:10).

Well I used to really dislike the fact that at every women’s conference I went to we were told about the virtuous woman, and told that we have to be like her. Why? Why should I be like some woman who probably didn’t exist, except as a figment of some man’s imagination? Really, I thought the whole thing was written by king Lemuel and it was just his fantasy woman and now he’s got Christian women everywhere stressing themselves out to be like her. Point of correction to self, it was king Lemuel’s mum first of all that told him this, and bible scholars believe it was a well known poem that all Jews knew back then.

Anyway, after the description of everything that this virtuous woman is doing, you know rising at midnight, single-handedly caring for children and servants, preparing meals, and holding down a personal business, what is her man doing? Is he like some corporate tycoon or some shepherd with 50,000 cattle (that meant you were super rich back then)? Well, I come to the end of the passage and all he’s doing is sitting at the gate of the city. Doesn’t exactly sound stressful. The least he could do was come home and give his hardworking (although ‘slave driven’ is more appropriate) wife a massage from time to time. You know, she’s doing all this hard work. No mention of anything like that.

Then there’s the fact that since she’s doing so much, you’d think the passage might mention something about how she’s tired all the time and takes three-day spa breaks every now and then. But no, she is doing all this and still has time to look good and wear nice purple silk gowns. Really now?

And what capped it off for me was the fact that there is no mention of sex. You mean her husband is praising her just because she’s working her fingers to the bone? Nothing else? What happens when he comes home from an afternoon of hobnobbing with city elders in the sun? Does she show him all her receipts from the land she’s been buying and show him her spreadsheets for her business, and then get back to her spindle?

Okay, ranting over. Good Christian woman hat on: Virtuous women are scarce. Pretty women are a dime a dozen, but virtuous ones are not. Guys, you can’t find a virtuous woman by yourself. Only God knows who is truly virtuous so only God can lead you to a virtuous woman.

Virtuous means righteous, honourable, moral, good, etc. And it’s not just hard to find these traits among women, it’s hard find them among the human race in general. Virtue also means power. The stereotype about women is that they are weak and fragile. God can lead you to a strong one. A woman with strength of character. A woman who’s not going to go crying to her family, her friends, and the church leadership, every time you do something wrong. A woman who has the backbone to stand through marriage and weather every storm with you and stick with you in spite of the fact that you don’t deserve it sometimes. A woman who won’t give in to the universal weakness of women to gossip. You might think this isn’t a big deal, but a gossiping woman gossips about her husband too. Even if it’s just to boast. But you don’t need that drama.

Rubies are nice. None of us would turn down rubies. But men turn down virtuous women (who, the Bible says, are worth way more than rubies) all the time. Maybe she’s not pretty enough, maybe her friend is better looking than her, maybe her hair isn’t the colour that floats your boat. Maybe the other women wear rubies i.e. Gucci and Sergio Rossi, it doesn’t matter. She’s better than them, even if she’s not wearing those things.

If you have a woman like this don’t take her for granted. You would cherish a ruby, you wouldn’t just toss it aside. Let her know how much she’s worth, tell her how lucky you are to have her, and appreciate her.

So am I a virtuous woman? Anyway…Love motivates the kind of things that the virtuous woman does. If she doesn’t love her husband there’s no way she can serve him like this. If she doesn’t care about her household, she will not do all that she does. She is selfless. There is only one thing mentioned that she does for herself and that is make herself clothes, which I suspect is half for herself (she can’t go out naked) and half for her fella (she needs to look good and he needs to notice it). Never mind my rant, I so want to be like her!

Christian Living Uncategorized , , ,

Random Update

Dayo Benson

Today has been a very random day. Don’t ask. I’ve sent random texts, random emails, and asked my husband multiple random questions. Now, I’m about to post a random blog 🙂

I’m thinking, why do we let other people put us into boxes, inhibit us, restrict us from being who we are. Why do we let them put a leash on our freedom? Why do we even care about their opinion. I want to challenge you right now to break free. Don’t let anyone make you cover up your true feelings, don’t let a weird look from someone stop you from enjoying your God given life and opportunities. Make the most of your life, praise God with your hands in the air if you want (no matter who is looking), pray over  your lunch at work if you want (who cares if they think you’re weird), hook up your gospel music filled IPOD, ITouch, IPhone, or MP3 Player to your car stereo even when you’re giving that nonChristian a ride. Don’t let someone else’s view stop you from expressing yourself. (Within reason of course, lol).

The essence of what I’m saying is don’t be ashamed to be you. Don’t hide your light under a bushel. Don’t worry about what people will think. Life is too short.

And a quick summary of the random thoughts I’m having right now:

– I love the smell of McDonald’s fries…

– Wow, Jesus love me!!

– So glad Rhema is taking solid food without a fight now 😀

– James Bond drives an Aston Martin doesn’t he?